Result matters

I went to school
Then to tuition
Then on the way back to tuition
Then home

In the car
I got some scolding from my mother
For like 20 minutes
Way back home

Said she sacrifice
Sacrifice everything
For me
Want I want
She gave me
What I asked for
She gave me
Said she gave me her time
Her money
Her effort to make my happy
But I didn't do the same

I know I didn't
But still
I'm trying to try

I'm sad
I'm down
I'm depressed
Maybe just a little depressed

She said I only know how to play games
How to chat with friends online
How to play Psp

And never did what she asked me to
Like study and any household chores

She said don't make her feel disappointed
Don't disappoint her
I don't want to
It's the last thing I wanna do in my whole life

She said all those
Just because I failed my Physics
On the line with maths
And get half of add maths

She compares me with people
"My friend's daughter, XXX, got straight A's for PMR"
"My friend's son, XXX, got straight A's for SPM"
"My friend's child is a Doctor"
"My friend's this is that, this is that..."

It's not like I don't wanna do it
They're them
I'm me
God gave my mom a ME
Not them
Not the Doctor kid and her friend's daughter or son

I'm sorry if she feels sad for not having a child like them
I'm sorry if I don't do well
I'm sorry I'm born stupid in academic
I'm sorry I hate maths
I'm sorry I'm her kid

But who is there to be blamed?
It's my fault I'm born?
It's my fault I hate maths?

My dad is not staying with me since I was 4
My mom took care of me since then

I thank her for feeding me
I thank her for taking care of me
I thank her for loving me

But still
Dad's not always around
Just often, not always

I don't know
Really.
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to think of

I blame myself
I'm actually blaming myself

For not studying hard enough
For not doing well enough
For everything

I couldn't stop it.
I'm really depressed.
I feel like dying.
And leave mom a little less trouble.